I told you so

Brain, you evil f*ck. I want to ask you why, why are you doing this to me, instead of just complying and stop resisting change?! The other day, I was triggered. I have made a lot of changes recently, and one of them involves me being more honest with myself, and others. I’m putting trust in people. And a tiny thing happened that triggered the dark curtain. I cried in the shower, and listened to the devil in my head, whispering darkness into me. The most evil things were said, things that hurt deeply, I felt like I could see the wound. I WAS the wound. I came out of the shower, dark and very sad, and went to meditate (with @headspace). I managed to calm down, but the damage was done. The process had begun.

I’ve been working with my (mental) coach since November, and now I’ve managed to delve so deep into myself that it’s starting to lash out, defend itself and try to hurt me. The depths doesn’t like to be disturbed, they like things to be like they’ve always been. The creature in there wants to whisper, “I told you so”. But this time, it’s not going to be one of those times. I’ve listened to the creature Gollum one too many times. I’ve let it stop and limit me. I’ve let it keep me from experiencing relationships and friendships the way I dreamed of. But it has been a defence. A way to stay safe, in case someone was out to get me. I was hurt before, and I didn’t enjoy it.

But you don’t get chances without risk.