A man trapped...?

I’ve been running my business for almost four years now, and slowly both found and lost myself along the way. Certain traits and skills have been encouraged and trainer, others have been forgotten and been put away. Some stuff that even used to define me no longer has a place in my life, and I think maybe I’ve to some extent figured out why.

I’ve been working with a behavioural coach for a few months now, we see each other every other week-ish for about two hours, and we dig through every uncomfortable nook and cranny we can find, some that have already seen the light of day, and some that haven’t. Lately I’ve been visiting my beliefs section, which HAS seen the light of day before, but this time I entered the Belief Zone with a new perspective. I don’t think anybody missed the #metoo movement, and the wave that has followed with women’s empowerment and an endless amount of stories of sexual assault, harassment, rape and more. Seeing/reading all these stories and looking back on my own past that does in fact contain some bothering stories made my consciousness see my beliefs in a new light, that I haven’t yet realised the true width of yet, but what I’m seeing certainly is big enough to comment on.

I’m not actually sure I’ve lived as a woman in the time I started my business. I’m guilty, guilty of supporting the strange idea that feminine somehow means weak, and I’ve shown it through what I wear, think and sometimes feel.

I’ve been a man in a woman’s body, unconsciously judging myself when doing “girly” things, because in my current belief system, business success have nothing to do with being feminine or doing typically feminine things.

Yesterday, I went to Boots at Heathrow Airport to get some Anadin and maybe makeup (because how long can you use that old foundation that you’re kind ashamed of wearing because a strong business woman doesn’t need makeup, that’s horrible role modelling right there). I was greeted by this wonderful woman that helped type my skin, and I left Boots with Day Cream, Night Cream, foundation of the right colour, nail polish and brushes. WHO AM I??

My skin haven’t felt this good in years. It’s moist.

I’ve never felt beautiful in nail polish before. This polish I cannot stop watching. It’s a lovely metallic pink that rocks. I want this colour on ALL THE THINGS.

I brushed on my foundation this morning and it looks great. It didn’t even take long (I though makeup wearing was a job in itself – because it takes women forever to get ready in the morning, right?).

Today I’m going to put on something that brings out my shape (that also isn’t gym wear) and not feel like I’m committing a crime. I’ve been hiding my body and even though I love it, felt bad about showing it off. What if someone gets offended? Someone will think I’m stupid if I look too good, because smart people don’t look too good. If I want to be respected I can not be too feminine.

As I’m writing this, I can totally see how sick and horrifying these thoughts are! I know I’m judging or acting myself for this every day, but to what extent do I also do this to other women? Do I judge them the same way, or is it like with performance (it’s ok for everybody else to be good enough, but I should probably the bestest ever on everything on my first try because otherwise maybe I suck and oh dear I don’t want to suck because what will people think omg dying).

I can’t help to wonder how many of my roughly 60 000 thoughts a day that concern judgement about just this type of thing. How much my unconscious thoughts are stopping me from being the TRUE ME, where every part that I am, and long to be, fits in.

I feel like a jerk for believing that I need to be or act manly to become successful at what I do, when in fact, I think (maybe not feel?) my soft heart and vulnerability is one of my biggest strengths.

I practised building things, always dressing comfortably above all else, using the right footwear (because important), not wearing makeup or “caring” much about my appearance. I wrote a post just a couple of weeks ago about giving a fuck about things, like cleaning the house, because not caring about things that makes us feel better is a shit decision to make. Then this realisation hits me in the head and I’m like woah, maybe I should clean up my own self, and start caring about its appearance and well being a little more, so I can do better work?

So how do I go about feeling comfortable in this new (old) me? How do I find my way back to embrace my shape and features? How do I stop limiting myself by thinking that pretty = stupid?

Sets & reps, like most other things in life I would guess. Then finding some kind of balance between inside, outside, comfort and ambition. To be continued.