It's not you, it's me

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It’s not you, it’s me. I’ve said it many times in the last six months or so. But not until today, I realised that it pertains to a lot more than I did before. I needed to change my relationship, I needed to change my living environment and I needed to change my work pattern. Not their fault, but me being stuck in ruts that took me nowhere. Me needing the change to be all of me. Mostly, to allow me to be myself.

I was talking to Dino today, and we started talking about money. I have known for a pretty long time that I have some not-so-good money beliefs. But today, I realised it’s a repeating pattern. Not just beliefs in my head, but a pattern of me almost not taking money from people due to my beliefs. I let myself be walked upon, taken for granted, bargained with, and more. And all I’ve said is, “ok”.. And it’s my own fault. In reality, this is almost on the same level as harming myself, but it’s not physical, it’s psychological. Because I want to make others feel good, and I want them to like me (a lot!), I give up my own. It would be ok to do it once or twice, but to do it almost on the daily is definitely not serving me. And I haven’t even seen it until now. And it’s not them, it’s me! Alright, pay me next week. Let’s do it later. And because the pattern is so deeply ingrained, I sometimes even delay payments to me by myself - why do I do that?

I know what I should do, but I’m not sure how to do it. Will everybody suddenly hate me? I don’t actually think that, logically, but there’s still a voice there, that’s constantly letting me know what a horrible person I would be, if I charged more, if I didn’t do all the charity I do.

But everything has a price, and someone always have to pay. And it’s not you, it’s me.